A Freeper's Take On Liberals and Conservatives

Some asshat posted the original free republic tripe on the ESS forum (link goes to their version).

Here's my version. It's still not funny, but it's better than the original:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals;

And

2. Conservatives.

The liberals with their superior intellect, of course, invented both beer and the wheel, while the mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging conservatives sat in the corner and drooled.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture, also invented by liberals. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet (liberals were doing other important work), so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing each other to steal someone else's goods to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer with their wives (and first cousins). This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were smarter and more skilled at devising means to survive showed up for the nightly B-B-Q's and attempted to clean up the conservatives mess. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these conservatives' men eventually evolved into sexist pigs. The rest became known as hillbillies.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include every major technological advancement known to man, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives stole from each other.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized an animal scared away by a donkey in a lions skin, the elephant. Liberals are self-characterized by the strong-willed animal, the donkey. Liberals also learned how to research the origins of symbology, while conservatives continued to drool into their soup.

Modern liberals like a wide varieties of beer and spirits, but most prefer clean drinking water (a concept foreign to conservatives). True to having a widely diverse palette, some eat raw fish, sushi, tofu, and French food. This diversity is excruciating to conservatives, who refuse to try anything new, and have formed staunch loyalties based upon their endlessly warmongering alliances.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of the conservative women are repressed, while the hypocritical men enjoy buggering their young males. Most intelligent and successful people are liberals. Liberals still can't understand why conservatives are so dumb that all they have to pin on them is the designated hitter rule.

Conservatives only drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still beat their women. Conservatives like to think they are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, and construction workers. But in reality, they are liars, cheats, homophobes, televangelists, and redneck hillbillies. Any conservatives who own companies hire people, who want to work for a living, for less than minimum wage and provide no health care.

Conservatives produce little or nothing, except tawdry affairs, wars, and hypocrisy. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Conservatives, with their war-like mentality, are scared of anything non-American. That is why most of the conservatives prefer to fight with every country on earth, rather than talk to them. Any diplomacy is done by liberals.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Conservative might have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A liberal will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more conservatives just to piss them off.